The Hard Honest Truth

This week was hard.  I worked a few days this week subbing, and therefore Melanie missed her occupational therapy with Kamber.  I read up a lot on SPD and learned a lot of overview.  I think I mentioned this last week, but its hard sifting through everything and trying to know what Melanie needs.

One of the biggest things I have heard this week, from supportive friends, have said, Kelly you're such a good mom, and its so great that you got Melanie diagnosed so young.  Here is the honest truth about how I feel right now regarding  that type of statement. Thank you for considering me a good mom, and I am so glad that I have some answers. BUT here is the hard part with that statement...

Melanie doesn't communicate with me. When she has a meltdown, and they're NOT your typical 2 year old tantrum, I basically go hide in a different room of the house and try to block out the hysterics that last for 10 minutes.  I promise I'm not trying to ignore the problem, but because Melanie doesn't communicate, there is no hope of helping her until she is ready for the help. Daniel witnessed one of her bad episodes tonight and didn't realize that I see 1-2 of them a day.  Now that I "know" whats wrong, I look at the tantrum as something sensory induced and frantically try to sift through everything I have read, or that Kamber has taught me so I can calm Melanie down, and help her!  But I feel like all I am doing is failing. Pressure, activity, visual + auditory instruction... nothing works, so I hide until she is ready.  IT IS REALLY FREAKING HARD!

I cry a lot these days, and I don't think its the pregnancy hormones. I think its feeling broken and defeated.  Some days I wish I could go back to a month ago, when I just thought, oh she is 2, and things are hard right now.  A month ago I thought this was a phase, and she was going to grow out of this.  The Hard Honest Truth is... that ain't happening.  We're going to struggle for a long, long, LONG time with this.  Until she is communicating and she can tell me something other than NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, x a million, it seems like everything I try FOR HER, is failing the both of us.

I read this week that Sensory kiddos, often use their parents as an anchor. They have a heightened sense of how we are feeling.  I remember so many women in their late 30's, 40's and 50's complimenting me when I was a new mom, that I kept so calm with her.  Well that Kelly got blown apart when Melanie turned 18 months and the tantrums were something that I couldn't handle.  How am I supposed to go back to the calm mom, who stays in control and doesn't get worked up by their child.  I need to be the calm mom for Melanie, she needs me to be that. But that is hard too.

I love Melanie! I think she is beautiful, and the girl has a smile that turns the darkest of times into eternal sunshine. She is smart, and confident. She is STRONG; she knows exactly what she wants, and even the little kids around her know not to cross her.  Not because she would hurt them, I've never seen her swing a kid, but the scowl she gives says it all.  With all those things said... It is really difficult for me to see pictures and videos posted to social media of kids her age and younger who have no problem transitioning, learning, speaking, or anything else. It is excruciatingly painful to hear mom's vent about their toddler who doesn't listen, or who doesn't share, or who won't let them put their shoes on... I'm having a hard time being sympathetic to those mom's right now; a month ago I was, when I thought Melanie was just in "a phase" and as soon as she could talk, we'd be over most of the issues...  I sound aweful, I'm sorry! Its not that I'm not happy for that mom, or for that child's success, its just I kind of wish I was dealing with your child, not mine. 

If you are reading this and you have a child who's also amazing, keep posting that stuff.  I'm not offended by it, I try my VERY BEST to not look at it as showing off; you are proud, as you should be!  Something to consider though- my sister sent me an article from the The Washington Post, its about the mom who's not bragging, read it, takes 3 minutes.  No one needs to be super sensitive around me, or change what they want to say, I know if you bring up this topic you are trying to give me your 100% support.  I guess I just wish you knew how difficult it is to have a challenging child, not because they want to be, but because they can't help it. 

 Also... I promise every time I cry... I am saying a prayer, asking for strength. I know I'm not in this alone, its just one of the trials that I agreed, once upon a time, that I could take on.  I promise... I'll be fine.